Two Guys, A girl, and a shovel
by dEpPlOvR21
Summary: Chico has decided that she wants to be an unloved Chinese Crested. No one can everrr harm my sweet Morty-poo [drool]
1. From Cresteds to Mississippi

Mort's Alter Ego: Don't go back man! Just get the hell out of there dude! Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!! [Mort backs up car revealing Motel sign. Walks into lobby, picks up keys, storms out, then drives to motel room]  
  
Amy & Ted: OH I LOVE YOU!!!! [sees Mort; panics]  
  
Mort: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Ted: [wimper]  
  
~SIX MONTHS LATER~  
  
Mort: [snore]  
  
Chico: As you probably have already figured out, the dog dies in most horror movies. So I've decided that I would like to be a stuck up Chinese Crested that was pampered a lot when Amy was around and has a fetish with screwdrivers. That way, no one will miss me.  
  
Mort: [snore] yo.....ho....yo...ho...A pirate's---  
  
Door: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
Mort: That was fast.  
  
Door: KNOCK KNOCK  
  
[Mort opens door]  
  
Shooter: If I looked up Meanie Beanie Fo Feanie in the dictionary, your picture would be right next to it!  
  
Mort: ......huh?  
  
Shooter: PLAYGERIZER! YOU STOLE MY DAMN STORY!  
  
Mort: nuh-uh  
  
Shooter: yuh-huh  
  
Mort: nuh-uh  
  
Shooter: yuh-huh  
  
Chico: [bark]  
  
Mort: [glares at Chico] Look man, I didn't steal it!  
  
Shooter: You stole it. [waves manuscript around in Mort's face]  
  
Mort: Nope. Go away. I'm so much sexier than you. [sticks out oh-so-sexy tounge]  
  
The amazingly beautiful depp-loving authorette: I second that!  
  
Mort: [grins sexily at authorette]  
  
Shooter: [mutters] blech  
  
[Shooter walks away from the door]  
  
Mort: I spy with my bionic eye......a scary man from Mississippi [peers through window at Shooter climbing into a fairly old car with a license plate from Mississippi. Then Mort walks back over to door, sees manuscript with a muffin sitting on top]  
  
Morts Alter Ego: SHOOTER! SHOOTER! SHOOTER!  
  
Mort: You'd think he would have used something a little heavier. [picks up manuscript and walks inside] Hmph. That guy was creepy... but not creepy enough. [Throws manuscript in trash]  
  
Mort: Sleepy time.  
  
[Mort slumps over to couch to go to sleep]  
  
~SP~ [Dream] Door: [bangs] LET ME IN OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!!!!  
  
[Shooter appears in door] ~SP~  
  
Phone: I OWN this movie. RIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIING  
  
Mort: Shit.  
  
Phone: RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG RIIIIIIINGGGGGGG  
  
[Mort picks up the phone and brings it over to the couch]  
  
Mort: Hello?  
  
Amy: Hi! Whats the unmarried, unwanted, all-alone-on-a-scary-lake life like?  
  
Mort: ILL KILL YOU! ILL KILL YOU BOTH!  
  
Amy: What's that?  
  
Mort: oh nothing....How's Teddy?  
  
Amy: just fine.  
  
Mort: Is he there now?  
  
Amy: no...we arent together now...  
  
Mort: [does Snoopy dances]  
  
Amy: GOTCHA! [giggle] Ted's coming over later.  
  
Mort: DIE PHONE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [bashes phone against couch]  
  
Amy: Mort? Mort?  
  
Mort: Sorry- Hey, remember that story I wrote where the woman has the garden and the man has the uh....shovel? Amy: Yeah....not one of my favorites...you know whats funny? I have a garden just like the woman in the book. And I cheated on you. AND you wrote the book. ANND I-  
  
Mort: Do you think I ever.....stole it?  
  
Amy: pshh.. you...steal a story? No.....you live most of the crap you write in life.  
  
Mort: I don't think I stole it...  
  
Amy: Why are you questioning me? Did some mysterious man from Mississippi with a funny hat show up on your doorstep and claim that you stole his story?  
  
Mort: [O_O]  
  
Amy: [crunch crunch]  
  
Mort: well I better get going...  
  
Amy: but but...I wanna rub in the fact that I'm with someone and happy..unlike you who has my dog and –  
  
Mort: I SAID GOOD DAY!  
  
[phone convo ends] 


	2. Man to Mongrel

Just so everyone knows I'm doing my best writing this parody without a script...I'm trying to remember the movie best I can...so don't hate me if some things are out of order =)  
  
A note from Chico: I don't look very good as a crested, I'm sorry to say, so I've decided I would rather be a mongrel than a Chinese Crested. YAY.  
  
-Chapter 2-  
  
[Mort sits at his computer reading all he has written]  
  
Mort: man...I just can't write today... [deletes everything]  
  
Chico: or maybe...you're ...SCARED!  
  
Fangirls: DARE HE SAY IT? MORT RAINEY/JOHNNY IS ...SCARED??? [gasps fill the air]  
  
Mort: Since when can you talk?  
  
Chico: Since I'm about to be killed. [grins and sticks out tounge]  
  
Housekeeper: I CANT GET NO...SATISFACTION! [dances with vaccum]  
  
Mort: Get her Chico! Go on...get HER!  
  
Chico: [ignores Mort]  
  
Mort: dogs are useless. [walks downstairs and retrieves mountain dew]  
  
Manuscript: I have now made my comeback. MUHA.  
  
Mort: [sees manuscript] crap.  
  
Housekeeper: Mr. Rainey, I found a story in the trash and even though it clearly stated that it was by a John Shooter, I took it out and assumed it was yours.  
  
Mort: ....thanks  
  
[Housekeeper leaves to go clean some more. Mort takes out book containing Secret Window and compares Shooter's story to his]  
  
Shooter's story: blah blah woman blah love blah blah all you had blah he intended to kill her blah blah knew where to bury her blah blah garden blah blah...  
  
Mort's story: blah blah woman blah love blah blah all you had blah he intended to kill her blah blah knew where to bury her blah blah garden blah blah...  
  
Mort: Why didn't I know this was coming? Now to summon the housekeeper. SHIT! [spills mountain dew all over table]  
  
Housekeeper: cleaning...senses...getting..sharper...SPILL IN KITCHEN. MUST CLEAN NOW!  
  
[housekeeper runs to clean up mess while Mort runs upstairs to smoke]  
  
-next day-  
  
Mort: hmm...I'm all alone in a remote cabin on a strange lake. I think I'll unplug the phone.  
  
-later-  
  
[Mort sitting at table eating sandwhich and drinking mountain dew]  
  
Mort: I just want to sleep. [lies down on floor] I sleep more than any other human being I have ever heard of.  
  
Chico: [eats Morts sandwich] amen [prances away]  
  
Mort: Chico-o-o-o-o don't be dico-o-o-u-u-r-a-a-aged.  
  
Chico: Morty-y-y-y fork o-o-o-o-off  
  
Mort: I'LL KILL YOU TOO!  
  
-authorette comments-  
  
thanks be to kaci for introducing me to the phrase fork off. I swear I shall never use it again throughout my parody because it belongs to her. 


	3. Stupid Electricians

-chapter 3-  
  
[Mort is walking back in the woods. He sees Shooter standing by his car a little ways down]  
  
Mort: Not you again...  
  
Shooter: HEY THERE MORTY POO!  
  
Authoress: MINE! RAAAAWWWWWWRRR! [punches Shooter then vanishes]  
  
Shooter: oww [rubs arm] Now. About my story.  
  
Tom Greenleaf: HI! [ waves ]  
  
Mort: I published mine before you. So NYEAH!  
  
Shooter: Where's yer proof?  
  
Mort: In a magazine. A magazine in my wife's house in New York.  
  
Shooter: [to himself] better torch it just in case..  
  
Mort: whats that now?  
  
Shooter: I'LL GET YOU! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!  
  
-that night-  
  
Mort: nappy time....yet again. This is proof I have no life. [snore]  
  
-Mort's Dream-  
  
[Mort falls out of sofa into a lake. Mort wakes up on floor]  
  
Mort: I must be thirsty [runs to grab a glass of water]  
  
[Mort's door is open. A note is taped to the wall]  
  
Mort: [grabs flashlight and starts outside] Aww. My lights broken. Now I have to call an electrician. [walks over to note]  
  
Note: 7 days. Look down.  
  
Mort: [looks down at other note]  
  
Other note: oh yeah. And I got your dog.  
  
[ Chico is lying in heap...gosh I hate this part....with screwdriver]  
  
Mort: [sees Chico] AND he killed Chico? Does he have any idea how expensive it is to get an electrician out here??! DAMN YOU SHOOOOTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 


End file.
